Akane Learns to Cook?
by borg rabbit
Summary: Akane cooks a meal that everyone likes. Does this mean its good for them? Scatological oneshot.


I disclaim ownership of Ranma 1-2 and I'm sure that Takahashi sensei would declaim me after this. Rated for juvenile, asinine content.

Akane learns to cook?

Akane had gone to the market to buy the materials for use in the bioweapons lab…Kasumi's kitchen. This time she was determined to be successful. Her friend, Yuka had described how she taste tested her own cooking as she went along to make sure that it was fit to serve. Armed with a new technique, she confidently set about preparing the perfect main course. She still disdained the recipe books but did read the instructions on the package for some of the ingredients. As she prepared the ingredients in different pans, she would take a bite and chewing, and spitting, discovered that only one pan had to be discreetly taken to the dumpster before the contents escaped. She combined the finished components into a large dutch oven and sampled a tiny bit-it was heavenly. She brought out the meal to the table and laid some warmed up bread out to soak up the juices. Her family sat around the table looking as if they were awaiting a firing squad. Nabiki was cuffed to the table, 'If she'll just bring a sharp knife, I'll cut my hand off and be gone.' Before anyone could speak, Akane announced, "I worked hard on this and I tasted it myself, nothing can go wrong!"

She matched her action to her words and took a bite in front of everyone, before Ranma could stop her. Everyone watched her swallow with the same morbid fascination that people have passing by a vehicular accident with bodies strewn about. She sweatdropped, but showed no sign of poisoning. Ranma, also sweatdropping, took a small bite of his portion of her cooking and chewed with tightly closed eyes. His eyes snapped open, "Akane…this is good, no, its better than good." And, he proceeded to empty his bowl and, after sopping the last of the juice with some bread, held his bowl out in an awestruck request for seconds.

Genma and everyone else held out their bowls for the filling as Soun turned on the waterworks, changing Ranma's gender, and spouting off about how his little girl was cured. That drew a fleeting frown to Akane's face, but she couldn't help feeling happiness at her success. Everyone had at least seconds and the large pot was emptied. The conversation went on for a while and Kasumi asked Akane about how she made such a wonderful main course. Akane said, "I just bought groceries that looked interesting, but couldn't find the monosodium glutamate flavor enhancer, so I found some stuff by the pharmacy that I seemed to remember as being an aid to digestion, or something." A sweatdropping Nabiki asked, "What was the substitute that you found for monosodium glutamate."

Akane said, "Uhmm…it started with a 'p'." "Papain?" asked Nabiki. "No. Uhh…I remember. It was Phenolpthalene. It took a lot to get the taste just right." Nabiki shouted, "Akane, you twit! That is a powerful lax…ative. Akane! Unlock these hand cuffs RIGHT NOW." Unfortunately, Ranma was racing Akane to the toilet, so her command fell on deaf ears. Eveyone, seeing a locked bathroom door, panicked. Akane only banged on the door a few seconds when, her stomach gurgling, she ran out of the house to squat behind some bushes, as did everyone else but Nabiki. Nabiki finally dragged the dining room table outside, but it was too late. P-chan came running down stairs and slid across the floor on something slick and brown and went flying end over end to land in the bushes by the compound wall. He wondered at the smell that permeated everything and looked up to see a full moon. 'Akane…what?' He passed out at what he saw and smelled. The sound of bowels being noisily emptied reverberated around the house and yard.

The next morning, a dehydrated and exhausted crew dragged themselves about their business. Ranma, Akane and Nabiki left for school and were almost there when the second stage of Akane's cooking struck. Ranma felt it first as he had eaten the most. Kuno approached them and said, "Hold thou foul Saotome, release the pigtailed one, that I might date with her!" Ranma replied, "Yeah I'll release her…." The rest of Ranma's reply was drowned out by a loud "Brrrraaap-pht-pht-pht-pht" followed by squeaking noises from Akane and Nabiki, both girls turned scarlet in embarrassment. As Kuno fainted, overcome by the smell of ordure, Nabiki asked, with pinched nose, "Dearest little sister, what were the other ingredients of your culinary masterpiece?" Akane said, "I just used six kinds of beans, some pickled boiled eggs, and some beer because I couldn't find any cooking wine, why?" Nabiki's face fault shook the ground almost as much as the wind that lifted her skirt with a mighty BRAP-Whap-whap-whap-phtt!

The End…hey that's almost like a pun.

This little one shot (Ho-ho-ho-ho) won't be continued. Hope someone enjoyed my attempt at scatological humor.

Wes


End file.
